I PASSED THE BAR EXAM!
i had mentioned it in my last post, but people have told me how proud they are of me for graduating college, getting into law school, and then graduating law school, but i knew that i had a bar exam looming in my future. but now, i tackled that fear, and i passed!! i'm finally proud of myself for something i have done academically, and it feels so good.
now, the job search is in full swing! fingers crossed and prayers going up that the search is short, and that God leads me to the perfect job for me, which He will.
fin.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
nerves.
i don't blog about personal things enough. probably because if you read my facebook or twitter, i don't need to blog, because i share WAY too much on social media, but alas, here i am, blogging...people have blogs about all sorts of things. i wonder if it's because we're really so obsessed with wanting others to know what's going on in our lives or if we have an inner desire to be a little celebrity that people are actually interested in. or maybe it's a virtual diary that you let others read. today, this is my diary. whether or not anyone actually reads this is irrelevant to me... i need to vent. and maybe by venting about this, some other unemployed law school grad who is waiting on bar results will be able to read this and know that they aren't alone in having awful nerves.
i am 3 days, 11 hours, and some odd minutes until i find out the results from my bar exam. and that's assuming they post the results early in the day. it may be more like 3 days and 15 hours or so. i've been really good about blocking it out of my head and not thinking about the exam for awhile. i've focused on being a good housewife and making our apartment feel more like home and keeping it clean and making sure that my sweet husband has a homemade meal nearly every night (all of those things were severely lacking while i was committed to studying). i've kept myself busy, even taking on odd jobs here and there to stay busy and to get a little income. i've also began a wedding planning business! just something small on the side that i can sustain while i have a lawyer job... if i pass the bar, of course... but it's something i thoroughly enjoy! i've already booked several weddings for the year, and i am loving working with the beautiful brides that have booked me. so, with all that going on, i've managed to create quite the smoke screen for dealing with the anxiety of getting bar results. but as the day comes closer for the results reveal, i am growing more and more anxious. i've had recurring nightmares of failing and my days are filled with daydreams and manic thoughts - the what if's are frightening and pessimistic thoughts are so loud in my mind that they take over my remaining optimistic thoughts. failing the bar exam once was so hard... failing it twice will be unbearable...
asinsane funny as it sounds, i'm kind of happy i failed the bar the first time.
WHAT did she just say?!?!
now, before you write me off as a complete nutjob, hear me out...
not to sound like a complete brat, but for the most part in life, things have worked out how i have wanted them to - at least in terms of my education. school was never really hard for me. i enjoyed school, and i generally excelled. i was never in the tippy top of my class, but i always did well. and it wasn't hard for me to do well. it was definitely challenging at times, but never really hard. law school, however was hard. studying for the bar exam was even harder. having the disappointment of failing the bar exam was awful for my self-esteem and for my ego. i had never struggled with failure like i did in the moment that i learned i failed the bar exam...
but failing the bar exam was great for my marriage.
i found out i failed the bar exam on my honeymoon. can you imagine?! but it was great, because in the moments immediately after i found out i failed, i saw my husband really take on the role of being my leader. he prayed for me and with me, he held me, he reassured me... he did everything right in a situation where i felt i had done everything wrong. the months afterwards were tough. they really forced us to work together, to problem solve together, to love each other completely, and to be content with each other and our marriage and the lack of "stuff" no matter what the circumstance. that lesson is one that we may not have had otherwise. if i had to trade off having that kind of strengthening experience in the very beginning of our marriage or passing the bar on the first try, i will choose my marriage - ALWAYS. the bar comes around two depressing times a year. it can be re-done. but that kind of experience in my marriage can never be re-done. so, all in all, i'm so thankful for every experience i've had - good and bad. just like everything else, it makes me who i am. i can choose to let it bring me down, or i can learn from it and use it as an opportunity to strengthen my character. i choose to let it strengthen my character.
but this time, it's different...
my husband and i have made so many goals for ourselves, and we have so many dreams for ourselves. all those dreams are contingent on getting jobs and finally putting my legal experience to WORK. i love having the freedom to do odd jobs for my family. i love planning weddings. i love being a housewife. but my calling is to be a working wife, eventually a mother, and a lawyer. i feel like this is my time. i'm praying this is my time. i'm ready to fulfill my calling as far as my career is concerned. i'm ready to work. i'm ready to feel like i'm making a difference and doing something that matters. i'm ready to finally be proud of myself... i'm ready to get a result saying that i passed. i'm trying not to get my hopes up while trying to stay positive.
i heard someone say once that people have more respect for law students than they do for lawyers. people have told me for a long time that they are so proud of me for lots of reasons but namely for graduating college, going to law school, and graduating from law school. while those things are accomplishments and i appreciate my family and friends being proud of me, i won't be truly proud of myself until i've passed the bar. and the closer i get to finding out my fate for the second time, the more nervous i get. i was so close last time to passing... but i know the reality is that it is way too possible to fail. i know, because i've lived it. and while i can see the positive in that now, i don't want to fail it again. i'll find out soon. until then, i guess i'll just have to deal with the nerves...
fin.
i am 3 days, 11 hours, and some odd minutes until i find out the results from my bar exam. and that's assuming they post the results early in the day. it may be more like 3 days and 15 hours or so. i've been really good about blocking it out of my head and not thinking about the exam for awhile. i've focused on being a good housewife and making our apartment feel more like home and keeping it clean and making sure that my sweet husband has a homemade meal nearly every night (all of those things were severely lacking while i was committed to studying). i've kept myself busy, even taking on odd jobs here and there to stay busy and to get a little income. i've also began a wedding planning business! just something small on the side that i can sustain while i have a lawyer job... if i pass the bar, of course... but it's something i thoroughly enjoy! i've already booked several weddings for the year, and i am loving working with the beautiful brides that have booked me. so, with all that going on, i've managed to create quite the smoke screen for dealing with the anxiety of getting bar results. but as the day comes closer for the results reveal, i am growing more and more anxious. i've had recurring nightmares of failing and my days are filled with daydreams and manic thoughts - the what if's are frightening and pessimistic thoughts are so loud in my mind that they take over my remaining optimistic thoughts. failing the bar exam once was so hard... failing it twice will be unbearable...
as
WHAT did she just say?!?!
now, before you write me off as a complete nutjob, hear me out...
not to sound like a complete brat, but for the most part in life, things have worked out how i have wanted them to - at least in terms of my education. school was never really hard for me. i enjoyed school, and i generally excelled. i was never in the tippy top of my class, but i always did well. and it wasn't hard for me to do well. it was definitely challenging at times, but never really hard. law school, however was hard. studying for the bar exam was even harder. having the disappointment of failing the bar exam was awful for my self-esteem and for my ego. i had never struggled with failure like i did in the moment that i learned i failed the bar exam...
but failing the bar exam was great for my marriage.
i found out i failed the bar exam on my honeymoon. can you imagine?! but it was great, because in the moments immediately after i found out i failed, i saw my husband really take on the role of being my leader. he prayed for me and with me, he held me, he reassured me... he did everything right in a situation where i felt i had done everything wrong. the months afterwards were tough. they really forced us to work together, to problem solve together, to love each other completely, and to be content with each other and our marriage and the lack of "stuff" no matter what the circumstance. that lesson is one that we may not have had otherwise. if i had to trade off having that kind of strengthening experience in the very beginning of our marriage or passing the bar on the first try, i will choose my marriage - ALWAYS. the bar comes around two depressing times a year. it can be re-done. but that kind of experience in my marriage can never be re-done. so, all in all, i'm so thankful for every experience i've had - good and bad. just like everything else, it makes me who i am. i can choose to let it bring me down, or i can learn from it and use it as an opportunity to strengthen my character. i choose to let it strengthen my character.
but this time, it's different...
my husband and i have made so many goals for ourselves, and we have so many dreams for ourselves. all those dreams are contingent on getting jobs and finally putting my legal experience to WORK. i love having the freedom to do odd jobs for my family. i love planning weddings. i love being a housewife. but my calling is to be a working wife, eventually a mother, and a lawyer. i feel like this is my time. i'm praying this is my time. i'm ready to fulfill my calling as far as my career is concerned. i'm ready to work. i'm ready to feel like i'm making a difference and doing something that matters. i'm ready to finally be proud of myself... i'm ready to get a result saying that i passed. i'm trying not to get my hopes up while trying to stay positive.
i heard someone say once that people have more respect for law students than they do for lawyers. people have told me for a long time that they are so proud of me for lots of reasons but namely for graduating college, going to law school, and graduating from law school. while those things are accomplishments and i appreciate my family and friends being proud of me, i won't be truly proud of myself until i've passed the bar. and the closer i get to finding out my fate for the second time, the more nervous i get. i was so close last time to passing... but i know the reality is that it is way too possible to fail. i know, because i've lived it. and while i can see the positive in that now, i don't want to fail it again. i'll find out soon. until then, i guess i'll just have to deal with the nerves...
fin.
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